The big crunch

She looked around, darkness seemed to be the only visible matter that surrounded her. All the efforts looked like wishful thinking now, she said to herself. "But it all looked right? Why the sudden change now?", her thoughts wandered as she questioned her own actions over all the years. Pointlessly, like a lost child, she stumbled, crying while she moved the mouse from one link to another as she always did. Digg , she was looking at, and all the information bumping into her made her even more confused. Business, the entertainment, the Page-3-type-of self-deprecating-news, the politics which seemed to be in vicious loop with varying contexts. And out of nowhere, there was this one link, which caught her attention. She smiled and said to herself 'what if?'. The job, monotonous, eating into her day by day, slow and steady and the all the physics she gave up for a some paying job. Sigh!
"Follow the heart", flashed a movie on HBO. 'Right' and she dug deep into the articles related to the 'link'. All the particles seemed to have a big crunch after years of disintegration, the big bang and what followed!

P.S: What is with this classical sciences, the social sciences, philosophy, music, the arts in general etc which makes that 16 hour day so enjoyable? Some of us will have to keep wondering, what if? :)

Flicked this lines from the movie, Blood Diamond, a classic of sorts according to me !
1. Danny Archer talking about the war in Africa and many more things!
Danny Archer: Sometimes I wonder... will God ever forgive us for what we've done to each other? Then I look around and I realize... God left this place a long time ago.
2. A casual discussion about the war stricken Seirra Leone between Benjamin, the social worker and Danny.
Danny Archer: So you think because your intentions are good, they'll spare you, huh?
Benjamin Kapanay: My heart always told me that people are inherently good. My experience suggests otherwise. But what about you, Mr. Archer? In your long career as a journalist, would you say that people are mostly good?
Danny Archer: No. I'd say they're just people.
Benjamin Kapanay: Exactly. It is what they do that makes them good or bad. A moment of love, even in a bad man, can give meaning to a life. None of us knows whose path will lead us to God.

Btw, Benjamin is shot dead by kids who are part of some organization called some liberation army.
So true are these lines! Chaos :(

The change of seasons

I. The Crimson Sunrise
(Instrumental)

II. Innocence
I remember a time
My frail, virgin mind
watched the crimson sunrise
Imagined what it might find
Life was filled with wonder
I felt the warm wind blow
I must explore the boundaries
Transcend the depth of winter's snow
Innocence caressing me
I never felt so young before
There was so much life in me
Still I longed to search for more
But those days are gone now
Changed like a leaf on a tree
Blown away forever
into the cool autumn breeze
The snow has now fallen
and my sun's not so bright
I struggle to hold on
with the last of my might
In my den of inequity
viciousness and subtlety
struggle to ease the pain
struggle to find the sane
Ignorance surrounding me
I've never been so filled with fear
All my life's been drained from me
The end is drawing near....

III. Carpe Diem
'Carpe diem, seize the day'
I'll always remember
The chill of November
The news of the fall
The sounds in the hall
The clock on the wall ticking away
'Seize the Day'
I heard him say
Life will not always be this way
Look around
Hear the sounds
Cherish your life while you're still around

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying."

We can learn from the past
But those days are gone
We can hope for the future
But there may not be one
The words stuck in my mind
alive from what I've learned
I have to seize the day
To home I returned
Preparing for her flight
I held with all my might
Fearing my deepest fright
She walked into the night
She turned for one last look
She looked me in the eye
I said, 'I Love You...Good-bye'

"It's the most awful thing you'll
ever hear."
"If you're lying to me..."
"Oh, you dearly love her."
"...just have to leave... all our lives."
"Seize the day!"
"Something happened.
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."
"She was killed."

IV. The Darkest of Winters
(Instrumental)

V. Another World
So far or so it seems
All is lost with nothing fulfilled
Off the pages and a T.V. screen
Another world where nothing's true
Tripping through the life fantastic
Lose a step and never get up
Left alone with a cold blank stare
I feel like giving up
I was blinded by a paradise
Utopia high in the sky
A dream that only drowned me
Deep in sorrow, wondering why
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Then string him up for all the world to see
I'm sick of all you hypocrites
holding me at bay
And I don't need your sympathy
to get me through the day
Seasons change and so can I
Hold on boy, No time to cry
Untie these strings, I'm climbing down
I won't let them push me away
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Now it's time for them to deal with me

VI. The Inevitable Summer
(Instrumental)

VII. The Crimson Sunset
I'm much wiser now
A lifetime of memories
run through my head
They taught me how
for better or worse, alive or dead
I realize there's no turning back
Life goes on the offbeaten track
I sit down with my son
Set to see the Crimson Sunset
(Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
Many years have come and gone
I've lived my life, but now must move on
(Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
He is my only one
Now that my time has come
Now that my life is done
We look into the sun
'Seize the day and don't you cry,
Now it's time to say good-bye
Even though I'll be gone,
I will live on, live on.'

Courtesy: Mike Portnoy. Dream Theater.

The DT post-version 1

When Dream and Day Unite the Images and Words Awake and there is a Change of Seasons which feels like Falling into Infinity where Scenes from a Memory induce Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence and a Train of Thought similar to Octavarium making it Systematic Chaos

Adding Value

"I make no difference to this world." he complained fidgeting with the 'kosambari'( Indian salad) container which they had bought from Ko-danda, the local snacks provider, situated on the road, just around the corner. "Why do you think so?", Chinnaswamy inquired rather tired of the walk, the snack and the walk-companion-who-cribbed. "My work has no value, in this bloody world. Almost like the world can go on without me !", he said throwing the newspaper-container-for-the-kosambari onto the footpath. Light breeze bought the other papers together, and they leaped in joy as they got together, like long lost brothers/sisters.
"You don't?!?!" Chinnaswamy answered questioningly!

The others lives

August the 15th. Three cities, six people...
Delhi. 0930 hours,
"I don't enjoy that kind of a book. History, nah, lets not get that. You should read this." he told his wife picking up a book from the self-help section. "You got to change, and open up to newer and useful things in life" he prophesied. The wife smiled to herself.
Mumbai. 1145 hours,
"But you need to take the job. The money seems to be good and you said that you don't mind the work" she almost squealed obviously irritated. "But the travel is too much and the work hours will be hectic." he replied calmly. "It is your call.", "I will back in an hour", she told him as went shopping.
Hyderabad. 1500 hours,
"I wonder if he likes this stuff", she talked to herself as she looked for curtains for the new apartment they just had bought. "Get me a sample"she told the salesperson pointing towards a dull, creamy cloth. "This whitish brown makes a grand curtain but, isn't this too dull ", he said to himself looking at the shades at the office lounge.

Man at the petrol bunk

Statutory Warning: This is a work of fiction. Has no relation to living or dead. Any such parallels are co-incidental.
I am a Bangalorean. In fact I am from a town nearby, a small village to give the precise information. This is my story, it is short, i do not find it particularly sweet myself; anyway who am I to judge? I had a pleasant childhood with a lot of emphasis on values and cultural ethos, learning etc. I don't seem to have them any more, possibly I never had them. My Appa(father) was a clerk at the DC office, and we were 4 kids to him and amma(mother) who was a home-maker. I was the 2nd, neither too young in the family nor too old. I was very different from my siblings, well i never did learn the life of the educated Kan-Bram. My elder brother, was so damn good, he had the ability to fight, fight it down, in whatever he stumbled upon. Learning the verses came to him, quite easily. He performed puja once in a while, under the supervision of appa. Those were not good times for me. I stuttered while learning these things. It seemed beyond my grasp, I gave up. Schools weren't a happy ground either. I flunked a couple of times, and then i stopped. Stopped going to school, in fact. Well, my younger sister was darling in the house, and she seemed smart and affable to all. She and the younger brother, were pride of the town, they had something like Midas touch to whatever they did. Not that they always sailed smoothly, but to fight was natural to them. I made some friends in the neighborhood, but they left soon, some to study, some similar to me worked at the local and nearby areas.
Time just flew by. I lived care-free and like an animal.
I shifted to Bangalore, when appa told me to work because everybody was doing something and I was doing nothing. I did odd chores, got tired everyday and slept.
My elder brother became a doctor and stayed back at the town, everybody knows him now. The other two are in the US of A. They are returning soon, the last time heard about them.
These days, I take take care of the air division at the local petrol bunk. It is tiring, but satisfying.
I had the facilities, to be better off. But I never did use them, ignored them in fact.
We got to what we got to do, I tell myself at times.

Tour de Malleshwaram!

Among the many areas I like in Bengaluru, M'waram is one of them. Wide roads, huge trees, 'known' people(the genre that is!) etc makes it something like a cosy little home! Met some junta one after the other. Some i keep meeting, some it had been more than a year. Well, it was a nice time I had and I shall stop talking about the fun and all that just about n0w :)
Interesting things happen on the road, and just after the ice-creams at Amrith (divine/heavenly!) , i had some time to kill. I walked on the 4th main, where i saw a couple having a very interesting discussion. I would love to describe them, but this new species is difficult to understand. The gaarl probably was planning to buy a car, and our baay saw the opportunity and swooped in, talking about the physics of power, pick-up etc. Giving suitable gyaan at the right times, he grew in confidence, not that he knew, but probably because she did not understand! The last I heard was "Tum AutoCar India nahi padti ho?" accompanied by a baay's sheepish grin and a giggle from the gaarl.
I walked along thinking, is selling everything :) Even aliens make progress, only by selling !!

Mediocrity

"Mediocre!", she mentioned before the movie ended. Quite puzzled and inquisitive to know the reasons for her judgments, he snapped back saying, "The movie has been running for 5 weeks and houseful". "But that is popular opinion and that need not mean that the people watching this 70 mm are right", said she almost responding. "Popular opinion does count." he argued. "It does?" she questioned. Then they left the theater.

Once into his shell, he never bothered to look outside. Disconnected and disjointed from the rest of the world, he seemed prehistoric. Minimal, in terms of words and fashion, he was neat in his own way. When he walked on the busy roads, people did not notice him, partly because he walked as if he never existed. He talked only, when was spoken to. Arrogant, some scoffed, shy, others concluded.
Neighbors knew little of him. Gossip mongers had news about him floating in air. It had hit him many times, making him smile.
Once, somebody questioned his marital status, who was reading a book by Mr. Chandrasekhar.
"How do you like the book" he replied.
"I love all of his books. But you did not answer the question?" he chuckled.
"Married with 2 kids. " he said. "BTW, I don't know why Mr. Chandrasekhar writes these books anyway. Moron! ", he walked away.

Giving up

"It feels like giving up" she mentioned before she bought the Diesel Honda City 1.3, her first car.
A friend of her and the sales person had a confused glance at each other, neither understanding, nor questioning her.

The Journey

"We've been through a lot together" she said, looking disoriented. He nodded, rather vigorously, not speaking a word in disagreement. He noticed, she wore plain clothes and looked much more dull than before. "We have to part ways" he said breaking the uneasy silence. "Yeah" she sighed. He looked taller than the first time she saw him, she concluded.
The journey was over they agreed in silence.
The train hooted again and soon started moving inch by inch and then a little faster. "Bye" she whispered with a smile known to him. "Take care" he mentioned.
"Until next time"!
They had reached their destinations. Only the journey remained, the 10 PM to 5AM next day, with the spiced Chai and the early morning!

You cannot break me, coz you did not make me !

Plagiarism. Flicked the topic from a movie 'The Hurricane' which i watched yesterday. Well, the movie could have been better but it still good enough to show the human spirit. Also, in a very sensitive way it portrays the mechanics of the weak human mind even when the spirit is so strong, that it raises beyond the human and physical barriers. Rubin 'Hurricane' Carter is a boxer who is charged and proven guilty for the alleged murder of a group of 'white' people in a bar in New Jersey. Innocent , he is, but the manipulation of witnesses and the erstwhile law sees him lose two trials in the State court if New Jersey and is sentenced for life imprisonment. Initially, he refuses to accept the rules of the prison, and solitary confinement is what he gets for the rebellion. He confronts himself and stays away from reaching a mental deluge.
He starts to 'do the time' refusing to be one amongst them. Writing becomes his new weapon; eventually he publishes a book, about his life and his innocence. He says, 'the only to survive this prison is to not want or need.' Denzel Washington is at his best here, looking less human with every passing minute of the movie and every passing year in Rube's life.
Then, an inspired kid, reading his book and just believes in his innocence meets Rube. This weakens him, wanting him to get out. The human side of him returns to him. For the exact details, watch the movie, it is gripping to say the least. Then, there is a Canadian trio who help him to get new witnesses and build up a strong case. Threatened, they work up a nice case, which is eventually presented in the federal court, making it make it or break it kind of scenario. Innocent he is proven in the end. A little cliched, i got to agree. But the climax is not what makes the movie to be good. It is the characters and the sensitive way of handling of them, which takes the cake.
Self pity and self obsession is made to look silly which is true in the real sense as well. Greatness comes to those who get out of such mundane behavior. Again greatness has no scale, nor no measure. Maybe greatness is a wrong word. The true value of self, freedom, knowledge and dimmed and distant commodities like power, obsession and ego; one can call it !

Communicate

"He does not get me!" said the lady to another. "These estranged relationships" sighed the other. After the vicious circle of discussions on the understanding and observations of the marital mechanics, they parted. Next day, they discussed their boss and his recent divorce.
Communicate, their boss told the team in a recent team meeting. The business will go good, the boss after the talk and smirked to himself.
Their ever so unhappy client remarked, "These guys know the business better than we do. I wonder, why things are in such bad shape.", she mentioned to them along with her peers in her weekly update meeting.
A minute later, her phone rings. Her mother screams, "It was important to me." A moment later the phone goes of line. She was to attend a play with her grandson in it.
"Ajji(Grandma), please come to the play tomorrow." he had reminded quite energetically.
"Concentrate on Modes of Communication" his dad had screamed, trying to teach, irked at his son not concentrating on the text book.

Barren and uninhabitable lands, sweeping across his tired and watery eyes mocked his intellect which seemed like the only viable companion in such harsh weather. Desert, he managed to conclude after applying some thought to his otherwise already engaged Grey matter. Water was the next desire of his living needs, completely out of frequency with his being. They seemed to be on their own, whims and fancies he murmured to himself. With the misery of survival mounting, he felt liberated from all the pain within. Like a flashback of sorts his entire life screened to a solitary audience, applauded and criticized, all at the same time. He cried, loud and uninhibited, at his past with moments of humor entangled with the present. Only the pounding of his heart reminded him that he had to walk, destination unreachable, journey beautiful, but all alone. He looked at the high skies hoping for a storm, just for the change as he felt boredom would soon kill him before the hostile environment would. Mirages, then he remembered were common for the ones in the desert and decided he would look out for them and would not fall for them. But invading these thoughts, he tried not to think about how he landed in the desert. He had planned his journey, all to excellent detail. The Great Savannas he began to imagine almost childlike. Raining, it was, just around the corner. The 'others' waited. He gave up. U-Turn was what he chose!!

"She left me", he wailed, remorse and regret engulfed him, giving him an aura, pale; almost making the senses repel his very being. Years, he said it took him to realize the absence of her in his life, making the descent quite bumpy and ignorant. Descending, he never could comprehend. Older and wiser, he felt but time was something he had wasted and disrespected, he cried again at the very thought of it. "How do I go back to her" he wondered. Approaching her was in itself was a demanding exercise for the one who felt absolutely nothing when she left had left him. He shuddered, on what awaited him in the future, it seemed meaningless, the existence without her. Myopia had consumed him, the realization hit him. Past pursuits now put him to shame he felt. He had hit upon, hard times like this bouncing back to his everyday life. This time he knew, it was here to stay for good. Nightmares filled the voids of his otherwise peaceful sleep, most of the time she leaving him in all the ways she could, giving him a glimpse of his creativity. He had to get back to his normal self, who looked like a distant cousin, unseen and absconding for years!

He had to wake up, startled and disturbed. He wanted to get back to her, fall at her feet, worship her as he did as a 14 year old. He smiled, went up to the attic, picked the dusted book. Reunited and rejuvenated he resigned from his activities the next day.

She laughed. For one last time!
Only silence followed later, uneasy and cold. Years and years of autumn, dry winds blowing at her face, leaves crumbling under her legs as she walked in the same deserted lanes, yet foreign. The loneliness chilled her spine and shook her core, weakening her, suffocating her. She did not remember when was the last time she felt alive. She sat, all by herself, in never ending room, dark and moist, with rays of light hitting her eyes, hurting 'em.

She heard a distant voice. Clearer, "Darling, Happy 32nd Birthday!". She then answered many calls from her friends and attended her own party.
She laughed. Every single time.

Confusion prevails

Ugadi, the new year, was unusual in many respects. One, I had office, but did not stay much there anyway. Second, met the silent, into the shell sorts of Unkill Swallow, which was strange and I almost never expected that. So, we walked, aimlessly and pointlessly, just like many of our efforts with the ideas, leading nowhere, only promising! Generally, we talk, but that day was silent with a certain uneasiness, which made Jayanagar a little strange. Finally I pestered unkill to tell me something interesting, which he tried and that lasted for about 20 words. Unkill tried and failed to start some 'interesting' conversation. After the Kapi at Daily Bread with summaries of ideas taken on a tissue paper, which we decided should be parked for a while, and before the walk we had snacks at the road-side-near-the-park-healthy-food, which was one third of the price of the Kapi at DB, and 100 as tasty as the 'Kapi'!

So, we talked after the daring try of Unkill. We talked about the most silly stuff, I must say, it feels rather good after that. Clarity as unkill calls it :-)

As i write, i am listening to a song, with words, 'Utopia high in the sky'; probably some of us just want that and there is just no explanation, to why not the same things everyone else wants!

P.S: Unkill you scared me, but that is normal behavior :P
P.P.S: I generally don't write on things like this :)
P.P.P.S: Hopefully I write more, for the better or worse, who knows!

VD

Surrender to thy

Calm,
It did seem
Deafening and Ridiculous.
Noise,
Screaming at the face
Scared and Direction less,
Reality,
Or was it, pale and unknown,
Darkness...

Confusion,
In the eerie laughter
Darling in a rapture,
Nose-dived,
Sure and Clear
Superficial yet real,
Road to perdition,
Only woke up, me with me
Dawn...